Day 1
I'm on the train to a quaint English town for a week. Like last time (in October) I won't see much of it since I'll be staying in a boarding school. What will I be doing here all week? Tai Chi. 9 hrs+ a day. Today and the last day will be short days. We’ll only do 4, maybe 5 hours if we’re feeling enthusiastic. We gotta pace ourselves tho.
Tomorrow we start at 6 a.m., one hour of Qigong outside. The sun rises early these days so I'm glad I don't have to do it in the dark. I remember asking my buddy last time where he did his Qigong in the morning. He sheepishly looked at me and said he skipped it. I was shocked since I thought it was mandatory but then again no one was looking over our shoulder. I'm gonna do it anyway since I know if I'm doing it. It's like a lil nap if done right so I better do it right if I want to be well rested.
I'm in the boarding school room now. The window lets in lots of natural light. There's a Union Jack, a German flag, and what I presume to be the college flag waving lazily in the breeze. The room is pretty bare bones but seems alright. Everything seems clean except the chair which has mysterious dark stains on it.
I met some people already. A lot of the Irish crowd. The funny talkative crowd. There's a man called Eamon who I remember well. He played music last time. He played so well it brought me to tears. He has already made many inappropriate jokes about men and women and life in general but he does it in a boomer tasteful way in which you can't help but laugh with him. Since he's laughing, you laugh too.
People are trickling in. Soup and sandwiches are available in the cafeteria. I chill in the room for a bit before heading over.
People have been asking me how life in London is. I tell them yeah it's pretty good. Doing a lot of Tai Chi, met some nice people, doing a LOT of Tai Chi. "Which days are you going?" they ask. "Oh you know... Monday, twice Tuesday, twice Thursday, Sunday... all the days available..." They don't think I'm crazy. They understand. Why else would they be at this retreat if they didn't understand.
As I eat my soup and sandwich, I see a young Asian man out the window. He's touching his hand on a giant tree and just standing there. My friend next to me asks what he's doing. "Talking to the tree" I say. "I do it all the time". He tells me he knew a guy, a park ranger, who used to bring kids to hug trees in the forest. During a certain time of year, the trees vibrate as they grow and since you vibrate too, you feel more connected to it. Idk if it’s true but it was interesting to think about.
The guy next to me tells us about where he's living atm. A highly Orthodox Jewish neighbourhood in London. None of the Jews like him since he's not Jewish. He doesn't like the Jews since he thinks their rules for women are stupid.
I sneak up on my old teacher during dinner. He's as jolly as ever. Think of a jolly dad who enjoys an Irish pub on a Saturday night and that’s my old Tai Chi teacher. We're really happy to see each other and catch up about life.
After dinner training lasts from 8 to 9.30 p.m. We finished at 10 but I left at 11. I'm really dedicated. I'm like a Japanese salaryman that stays until the boss leaves but I actually enjoy it. Sifu says that you get what you put in during the week. Well I'm putting everything I got. I expect to go crazy Day 3 but it's just Day 1 so I'm fine now.
I'm going to look for a full time job after the retreat. I was gonna do a boring office IT job and there's nothing wrong with boring office IT jobs but I decided I've already spent too many years doing it. I was a yoga instructor for about 3 years part time and I think I’ll go full time. I told this to Sifu. He said why not teach Tai Chi too?? That's literally the dream. I've made it guys. I have Sifu's blessing. I just need to make it a reality now and actually do it.
Going to bed with a smile now. Training was good today. I didn't think too much and when I did I thought about the Orthodox Jews.
Day 2
I wake up on time at 5.45 a.m. I didn’t sleep well but I get up quickly. I’m excited for the first full day.
The sun rises before 5 these days so it’s already up to greet me. I head to the same spot as last retreat, facing the sports pitch with trees spaced evenly around the edge.
I put my hand on a tree to say hello and begin my Qigong. I think about my Tai Chi friend and wonder if he’s up doing the same or decided to lie in. I’ll ask him later.
After Qigong, we have our first training session of the day. One hour. Then breakfast. Morning practice is the long form but this time with a twist. We chant “yin” or “yang” for each posture. There are 90 something people in the hall so the sound of everyone chanting in unison feels very mystical and meditative. The form also feels like it lasts twice as long. Chanting makes you slow down. It feels like something monks might do in the Himalayas to keep warm. I get quite hot and sweat a good bit.
Breakfast is at 8 a.m. We get an hour and a half. It’s a full English every morning but there’s porridge too. Last time I told myself I’d try the porridge after every full English. I never did try the porridge tho.
During retreat, we eat like we won’t see another meal for a while. Something about moving all day doing Tai Chi makes you ravenous. Even light eaters go back for seconds or thirds. Some people get a full English and porridge, and a yoghurt with crunchy granola and fruit compote. We eat like this 3 times a day.
If you eat fast, you can squeeze in a quick power nap. The power nap is a tool you will never forget here. It's absolutely essential to get through the week. I try power napping since I’m feeling groggy. I don’t sleep. I just lie in bed for 30 minutes.
Training starts again at 9.30 a.m. and goes till 12.30 p.m. It all blurs together. We break out the mats to wake ourselves up. Getting pushed and slammed onto a mat is quite effective. I’m not the only sleepy one. I'm wide awake after the lil Japanese lady slams me against the mat.
By lunch, I’m wrecked. I eat fast and go nap. This time I do sleep. I have a nightmare. I’m watching TV, nothing scary’s on, but I have a strong sense of impending doom. I wake up after 45 minutes and get ready for more training.
Afternoon session goes as usual. I meet the tree touching Asian guy for the first time. He’s chill. We struggle to connect during partner work. In Tai Chi you’ve got to connect physically: eye contact, hand contact, intention. He rolls up his T-shirt so I can touch his bare skin. We manage to connect. The skin contact feels a bit too intimate tho, so we don’t do that again.
I meet a German girl about my age as I walk to dinner. She's looking for places to live in London. I said there's a spare room in the flat I stay at if she’s interested. She wants to move here for school and to do Tai Chi. I tell her I moved here to do Tai Chi so it isn't that crazy. I'm happy there’s another person my age here.
At dinner, I sit with the Germans. They’re jolly and make a lot of jokes. One guy has full-body tattoos, including his skull and face, and the most normal name ever: Kevin. He keeps repeating butternut squash and laughing every time. I think there’s a German joke here I’m not getting.
They start speaking German and say something to me. I look at the German girl next to me. She asks if I want a translation. I say yes. She repeats what Kevin said in German and the whole table including me bursts out laughing.
I’m back in my room now. It’s 7.30 p.m. Training starts again at 8. I plan to go till past 11 again but we’ll see. I felt tired this morning but now I’m buzzing. Second wind!
The senior students always tell me to train with more women. They’re more sensitive. Sensitivity is crucial in Tai Chi. A woman's touch has a softness men don’t naturally grasp. Great softness overcomes great hardness. Tai Chi isn’t about strength. It’s about intention.
Tonight’s goal: train with 50/50 men and women. Perfectly balanced. As all things should be.
Day 2, Night Time
After training, we hang out in the common room. We usually chat with Sifu and the gang. He isn't there tonight but that's fine since the gang is, some of Sifu's oldest students (30+ years) and his son, who's also a master and very funny.
They ask me about work. I tell them I plan to teach yoga full time. They think it's cool, but they bring up teaching Tai Chi too. They say Qigong is big in the wellness world and I could try weave it into my yoga classes. I say “yeah well Qigong is basically Chinese yoga” and the whole room erupts in laughter. They start riffing. "Choga: Chinese yoga" Sifu's son says. I tell him Broga is a thing so I don't see why Choga can't be a thing.
Someone mentions Yin and Yang yoga. Yin yoga with Yang style Tai Chi. I actually think this one isn't too bad since I like teaching Yin yoga. I make a note to think more about marketing it.
They go wild with cult jokes and wellness industry parodies, merch I could sell, matcha ginger shots, wildly expensive certifications, glow in the dark beads with my name on it, headbands with the third eye on it. I can only put my hand on my forehead and smile in mild exasperation.
“You need a slogan” they say. “Yin and Yang Yoga: Transcend Balance”. Someone adds “Idk if the public want TB”. There's more laughter. I laugh too. It’s all in good fun. They had to talk about something. I just didn’t expect it to be roasting me for two hours. I go to bed late thinking about Choga.
Day 3
I wake just before 5.45 a.m. My body knows what’s coming. It survived one full day, it’ll survive the next. And the next. And the next. I will not die from Tai Chi this week.
The days are blurring now. I'd like to write detailed notes but there’s no use. I always write the same things: relax your shoulders, sink more, connect, more yi. Things I should already be doing. It doesn’t matter. I won’t remember the notes. My body will remember. My body will keep the score.
My body’s fine now but I expect to crash tomorrow. I've started using the Chinese rubbing oil I brought. It smells good and reminds me of home. I rub it on my right knee just in case. It's not painful but there’s a twinge that won’t go away. It reminds me to not overdue it.
I take a fat power nap after lunch. 45 minutes. I think this will become routine. Too early after breakfast, too late after dinner. Lunch naps are perfect.
Midday announcements before training, a food issue comes up. Too many people. Sifu says we’ll be split into Group A and B. A eats first, then B. “Inevitably a Group C will form that joins A” he says. Everyone laughs. I’m in A. I consider myself lucky. All I care about is lunch. A glorious nap comes right after. The rest of the meals, I can wait.
During afternoon training, we’re working on Tai Chi circles. Circles are everywhere in Tai Chi. Easy to understand, hard to apply. We do the same exercise with different partners. I get conflicting advice. All advice is right but there are levels of rightness. It just depends on the person. There are endless layers. One thing works on one body, the next doesn't.
In regards to connecting with people, we’re told people are like locks. You have to create a key to open each one. Some locks are easy to open, some a pro bank robber would be sweating to crack. Doing partner work helps you craft keys. I wonder how many I have now. I wonder how many more I’ll make this week.
During night training, we go through the form in excruciating detail. If you’re off by a millimetre, it collapses. It doesn’t work. Everything in Tai Chi is like this. You know it works when it feels effortless. We must keep refining.
After training, some stay to do the Snake form. I learned it last November but haven’t kept up. Seeing them do it makes me want to try again. A classmate I see every Tuesday says it looks cool but also evil. Snakes do carry that energy, I say.
I’m in bed now. Gonna try sleep early. Tomorrow I crash. Maybe I won’t get a chance to write. I hope I do tho.
Day 4
I think I hit the wall. I'm very tired. I broke the cardinal rule of napping and took a nap after breakfast AND a nap after dinner. I pray sleep comes during the night. I've been half asleep all day.
Since I broke the napping rules, I got punished by the Napping Gods. I have terrifying nightmares when I take a nap. They start off fine but it ends in me not being able to breathe and jolting awake. I don't know if I'm actually sleeping either. It feels like I'm in an in-between state of sleep and non-sleep. A liminal space. I know when the alarm goes off. I can see a digital clock in my head. I wake up when I hear it.
I need the naps tho. I'm commited to not missing a single training session. I'm almost half way there now. Time will speed up after today. My legs feel like I've walked 30k steps a day. They feel strong but need rest.
Training feels productive. I'm learning so much. I'm gonna forget a lot of it but even if I remember 10% that would be huge. And if I ever come across something familiar later on, I should pick it up faster.
I sometimes get to partner with people that have been doing Tai Chi longer than I've been born. The wealth of knowledge they have is incredible. They talk a lot and I understand and then they keep going until I don't understand. It's great. I hope I can be this person for someone someday.
People are getting a bit cranky. I'm not the only one tired. Lots of them complained about the food today. They'd say "food was terrible today. It looked and tasted like cat food". I wanna ask them how they know what cat food tastes like but I just agree with them. Truth is I don't find the food that bad.
I found out I'm not the youngest person at the retreat. The German girl I met the other day is a few years younger than me. She's really nice and has kind eyes. I hope we become friends when she moves to London.
For night time training, we are still working on Yin Yang long form. We will be doing it all week. We are going through it fast. We might actually get through the entire thing which does not ever happen. I'm picking up so many little bits. I'm gonna repeat them in my head while I lay in bed.
Tai Chi is a martial art even tho it doesn't seem like it. I've seen it do incredible things. Unbelievable things. An old master beating up a young buck. Stopping a punch. Putting them in joint locks. It's not a practical martial art since it takes so long to get good, to get it to work, but it looks like magic when it actually does work and oh boy does it work.
Anyway a fun game we like to play is ask what martial applications a move has in the form. Every single one has one, sometimes multiple, and when you ask Sifu what a move does he demonstrates on the person that asked the question. He doesn't do it full force but he does it hard enough so we can feel it.
It's fun for me to get whacked a bit. "Not to hit is not to teach" was a mantra Sifu's Sifu had. It’s pretty old school. We don’t get hit that hard these days but I understand why they did it. Old school Asian mentality. You get to know the feeling, how the move works. You won't forget when you get whacked hard enough.
Last retreat I asked what a move does and Sifu said it's a block. I asked "can it block a kick??" and he told me to kick him so I kicked him and he whacked my leg so hard I felt it for the entire day.
I probably can't defend myself with Tai Chi rn. I know other martial arts tho so am not worried about it. I also know how to not get into fights and most importantly how to run so I think I'm good. There are no winners in a street fight.
I'm imagining me being 70 years old now diverting the force of some young guy. He'll be so amazed I could do that it will spur him on to do Tai Chi for life. That's the dream.
I hope I hit the wall today. If tomorrow is worse, I'm gonna have a bad time. I hope I get a chance to write tomorrow. I type all this on my phone. I barely checked my phone today. Going to bed now. I hope sleep hits me fast and hard.
Day 5
I actually hit the wall today. Feeling slightly insane. Time is going weird. Weirdly short and weirdly long. Body feels fine but mind is loopy. I learned a lot today. I learn a lot every day. Won't remember it all but that's OK. Going to bed late. Tomorrow is another day.
Day 6
Today was the last full day. I fell over the wall. I'm both tired and not tired. Time is both slow and fast. My feet feel like tree roots. I wonder if I'll get the "floaty cloud feeling" in my feet like last time at the end. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...
Day 7
Time is going very fast now. Especially today since we won’t have night time training. We have a music party instead.
Training is more or less the same as the rest of the week but with more refinement. There is a martial applications part where a lil Japanese lady physically moves me in ways you wouldn’t think are possible. I'm not full force punching her but my intention to punch is there. These lessons remind me that at the end of the day Tai Chi really is a martial art. It’s funny and kinda fitting that it’s mostly seen as something done by old ppl and for health.
On the walk to the training hall, I bump into my Sifu and he mentions that I should go to the Friday night advanced classes. He says my Tai Chi buddy, who I train with on Saturdays, will be going too. Unlike him, I wasn’t that eager to go to this class. I figured it’s more or less what we already do, especially on Thursday nights. I never asked to attend, but it doesn’t mean I’m not excited to go now.
It’s kind of a milestone. A sign that I’m dedicated. The first thing I asked Sifu was which one of the 6 classes I should drop now in the week and he just laughed and said I don’t have to go to all of them. But I want to go to all of them. The spirit is willing. The time is a lot. And ofc the body. The body will learn to take it tho.
At 8 p.m., the party starts. Lots of talented musicians attend the retreat and it’s a lovely way to unwind after a tough week. I volunteer to help set up the hall. I get put on carrying the heavy stuff since I’m one of the youngest ppl there. I kinda wish I got put on snack duty instead. The snack ppl are just arranging cheese boards and quality checking the cheese as I haul a heavy-ass keyboard and a bunch of equipment.
We finish about 30 mins before the event starts so I quickly shower and change into my finest Tai Chi clothes. I didn’t bring any party clothes.
I go to the party. I see some Pom-Bears in a bowl on the table and I feel oddly shy. At this point I know pretty much everyone here and they like me and I like them but seeing one of my favourite childhood snacks brings back memories of being a loser, loneliness, and longing for a community I could belong to, and it’s so beautiful that I’ve found it.
The music starts. The MC makes jokes and introduces the acts. There are 7 musicians and 7 instruments: guitar, a South American pan flute, a regular flute, harmonica, tin whistle, maracas, and a small guitar idk the name of.
Each person brings something unique. Mostly folk songs. Irish classics you’d hear in pubs. The Irish really do know how to music. There’s laughter. Singalong parts. One musician can’t get the chords or the words right so we all join in and sing with her. I don’t go to live music events often but now I can see how special they are. The music brings me to the edge of tears more than once. They don’t spill over. I hold it in.
After the music, we prepare the gifts for Sifu, Sifu’s son, and Sifu’s best friend, our 3 teachers for the week. I carried the gifts down to the party. They’re heavy. Wine, good chocolate, olives, fancy kitchen food in jars. Idk what all of it is but it was heavy to carry.
Sifu’s best friend gives a speech after a few chants of Speech, speech. He talks about how long he’s known Sifu, over 50 years, and how that’s also how long he’s been doing Tai Chi. He held Sifu’s son in the car as a baby and watched him grow up.
When Sifu accepts his gift and begins his speech, he starts to cry. He talks about the community he’s built, how he won’t be around forever, none of us will, but his son will take over. And together we’ll keep training.
“The key to developing Tai Chi skill is community. By exchanging hands and knowledge. It’s the only way to grow.”
I bring the heavy-ass piano and all the gear back. I won't stay up late tonight. There's training tomorrow at the regular time but it finishes at 11 a.m. I’ll stay up to write this but then I’ll head to bed with happy tears in my eyes.
Day 8, Finale
I wake up one last time to do morning Qigong. Earlier than usual. It's 5 a.m. when the light streams through the window and hits my face.
I use the extra time to pack. The boarding school is strict and rigid with their rules. I get it for the students but we're adults and paying them. It’d be in their best interest to be a bit flexible. This might be the last time we come here. Sifu says they’re institutionalised and set in their ways. He’s looking for another venue next year. Then again he’s been looking and saying this for years. So we may well end up back here. I wouldn’t mind. The food is meh, the beds are poor but I’d like to see my Qigong tree buddy again, the tree I stood beside every morning this week.
The last retreat spot was held in an old creaky castle that reminded ppl of Harry Potter. They got handed the keys and could do whatever they wanted. It had a swimming pool, good food, and everyone stayed in the same place so it felt like a big sleepover. It sounded better in every way.
Anyway today is the end. We finish at 11 a.m. The start of the week felt slow but after the midpoint, time sped up. Now it’s done. Unlike the last retreat, I don’t know if I could’ve handled another full week. Maybe a few more days. But the lack of sleep is getting to me.
I say goodbye at 11 and have 1 more crappy lunch from the cafeteria. By then half the group is gone. The slow trickle of goodbyes started yesterday. We hug and say we’ll see each other at the next retreat, workshop, or class. I get a lift from a buddy who also went. I fall asleep in the car while he talks about self improvement, his wife and his kids.
Now I’m back in London. I feel good. I unpack. I sort my room. I do laundry. I go grocery shopping. I settle down. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is the start of something new. I start planning my next steps.
I’m going to start my own Tai Chi class. From talking to the other teachers, I know this won’t be easy. I’ll be competing with social media and Netflix and video games and the comfort of staying cosy in your room.
Once I find students, I’ll have to keep them. I’ll need to show just enough to intrigue but not overwhelm. I’ll need to encourage the ones who struggle and nurture the ones who are enthusiastic. I’ll have to balance all of that, find a venue, deal with no shows, advertise, make videos, speak clearly when asked simple questions, and think deeply when asked hard ones. And I probably won’t know the answers to the hard ones. Maybe not for a long time. Maybe never. But I can ask ppl from my own Tai Chi class. Or I can ask Sifu. Or just think about it myself and try to work it out.
I think it’ll be rewarding. A guy who helped me a lot during the retreat told me, some people can barely walk at the start but if they stick with it, they can finish a whole class. If I can do that for even one person, I’d be happy.
Sifu says it’s good to teach because your students become your training partners. You can test things with them. Play with ppl of all different skill levels. And the more skill I gain, the more ppl will want to learn from me. The more ppl I can help. Yes pls. Sounds like an ideal world. I’ll try to stay grounded tho. It’s gonna be tough. And I might fail. But I’ll try really hard before I fail. And if I fail, I’ll fail spectacularly.
I’ll be teaching yoga too. I taught part time for about 3 years, and practised for a long time before that. I’m a bit rusty now, after Tai Chi took over, but I think I can pick it back up. It’s like riding a bike, you never forget. And I think teaching yoga before will help me teach Tai Chi. If I get a regular yoga class going, I can tell them about Tai Chi too. They’re different in movement but the same in the way they affect the body.
Anyway this is all just writing. I can write write write until the cows come home. But now is the time for actually doing. The retreat is over. The intention is set. I will have a class before the summer is over or die trying.
Written 24th-30th May 2025